How to choose a form of expression…

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Almost 10 years ago I went through a crisis ”trying to find myself”, but well, who isn’t at the age of 20? But I was going in and out of depression, and thankfully I looked for help that did not involve poisoning my body with chemicals. On a regular basis I started to talk to a psychiatrist once a month, and a registered nurse specialized in psychiatry once a week. I was a bit unsure of how to handle this, I had asked for years to get to talk a professional, but until now no one had listened so it was a very new situation to get used to.

After a couple of months I had an anxiety attack late at night, and to clear my head I sat down at the computer and wrote a lengthy e-mail to this nurse. The next day I went to our usual appointment and she was very excited!

”Ania, you express yourself so clearly in writing! I am so happy you finally let me into your heart and head! We can work so much better with this now!”.

And I believe those words are still true when it comes to me. Not to say I’m not good at expressing myself verbally, but something magical happens when I sit down with a pen and paper, or with a blank word document on the computer screen. When I take my time and choose my words carefully, see them and evaluate them right there, black on white – It all turns into something more meaningful.

In the last few weeks I’ve thought about this, and because of it I’m now leaning towards deleting my YouTube account. I enjoy making videos, I really do, but I also find it difficult and like I put more pressure on myself than usual to make them “just right”. On many occasions I’ve uploaded a video, just to delete it an hour later. Feeling like I did not express exactly what I wanted to express. And I don’t think I’ve ever deleted a blog post or Instagram post because of that…

It’s not about only doing what I’m really good at, because I do think it helps us grow to get out of the comfort zone, which I definitely did when I started to make videos (it’s nerve-wrecking speaking your third language on camera!). But it’s about not doing something that causes me anxiety and/or stress.

So I am considering making this blog and my Instagram account my main platforms to express my spiritual/personal/tarot-related thoughts. I haven’t decided yet, and that’s why I’m writing this post, to get my thoughts straight about it!

I can tell you one thing I want everyone to know about me: I am not chasing fame and/or money. I am myself surprised to see my Instagram account having grown so big (I’m a lousy photographer!). I have over 6000 followers, and to be honest here, I don’t really care for them…

I’m often disappointed to see a bunch of generic comments by people who want to leech on my “big account” and just spread their own name. I love when people start meaningful conversation with me on there, but often it’s just those generic comments and they sometimes piss me off! When I share personal information there, even about feeling down or struggling with anxiety, I really hate to see someone say in the comments below “Cool post!” or “Awesome, dude! :D”. It just feels WRONG…

At the same time I’m staying because there’s a handful of people on there who leave meaningful comments and truly appreciate my posts. And I love their posts in return. They make it all worth it. But just the numbers mean nothing to me. I’d rather have like 20 followers and see them engage in meaningful sharing on Instagram, instead of 6000 followers I don’t know who they are or what their intentions are…

So that’s what has been on my mind lately, and just wanted to give you all a little heads up so you don’t think something is wrong if my YouTube channel disappears. If it does it means I’ve just grown sick of the negative side effects of that channel… And isn’t that healthy?

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6 reaktioner på ”How to choose a form of expression…

  1. That seems like a very healthy choice for you right now. Enjoy the freedom of being able to say, ”No, not right now. Maybe later.” I’m learning that myself big time!!

    Gilla

  2. That really is one of the pitfalls of Instagram or any social media…The comments just to get your attention and so forth. You know what really bugs me ? The constant follow/unfollow/follow/unfollow…Like, I see you…Stop that. I’m sure you experience this a lot too. I’ve actually blocked people because I was just so annoyed. With that being said, I love Instagram and I hope you stay there because it would be lacking without you!

    Gilla

    1. It annoys me so much! 😦 Haha! Yes, the follow/unfollow thing is also really strange and annoying. I’ll definitely be staying on instagram though, it’s my favorite out of all the social media platforms! 🙂

      Gilla

  3. Oh gods, I feel you so much, especially when it comes to Instagram. I love this platform and hate it at the same time. There are people whose posts I’m really looking forward to but for the most part what I see is just dumb attention-seeking. I have much less followers than you but it’s also very tiring for me to see people comment dumb shit or try to catch my attention or become ”friends” for no reason. I admit I block them a lot and never look back. Too bad we can’t mass-delete followers anymore, it used to be a blessing.
    These days, I’m barely using IG anymore, precisely because I’m so tired of this Wheel of Attention.
    As for YT videos, I really love watching yours because you’re one of the few people that always speak their mind and are not afraid to call people on their bullshit. However, I completely understand how much pressure it puts on you to upkeep the channel, so if you decide to delete it I’ll be coming here more often to read blog posts from you.

    Gilla

    1. The generic comments for attention + the PR disguised as ”giveaways” (umm yeah first you need to follow 20 people you don’t care + post a bunch of crap on your page to advertise the 20 peoples’ accounts… GIVEaway? Really?) really annoy me. If I could press a button that deleted all my followers I would, and just start fresh and clean! 😉 I do like looking at the history though so don’t want to start a new account hmm. Oh well.
      Thanks, dear! ❤ Glad you enjoy my vids.

      Gilla

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